my big day

Today I had my Assessment at springfield Hospital-The MHT attatched to the St Georges catchment area, and they have a very specialised Ed service (set up by the dude I used to see in cornwall!). Have been seen by one of the doctors from the CMHT weekly since THAT incident, and finally got an appointment to see the Ed team.

Saw one of the clinical psychologist's there and she was lovely. I mean she actually listened, rather than just piogen holing me into a diagnosis, with the usual 'you need to tick the boxes for that' kind of criteria. Like i mean, seriously lovely woman. Unlike the receptionist, who was really pissy with me cos got there 20 mins early! She talked to me quite a bit about PTSD and asked me if id ever been diagnosed with it, as it sounded like i had a lot of trauma symptoms, flashbacks and anxiety type issues. I said id had every diagnosis under the sun thrown at me-but no help offered in Cornwall, and had a little rant about how i was so sick of being called borderline because i self harmed. She said that a lot of people are diagnosed with that simply because they dont neatly fit into anything else, and that it really annoyed her when peope did that.  She also explained that the reason my ED had probably been hard to diagnose (or as she put it-the reaso why services didnt know how to deal with it) was because although it has emotional links now, they developed secondarily to it being a learned behaviour. And that maybe people weren't quite sure how to approach it. Which is exactly what I got told by the dude I was seeing in Cornwall just before I moved.  And that because I dislike talking about my mum-most people just call it PTSD reaction to what happened in Liverpool.

We talked for quite a while and I felt really ok with that. I usually really clam up with peope i havnt seem before, but i sooo want help, i made myself tell her al the details that make me so ashamed, like how much im throwing up, and the restricting and how happy i was when i lost weight this week, but how scared it made me too. And how I was just scared i was going to end up like my mum. she drew this funky little diagram of me-it was actually like my life on a piece of paper:depressing as hell. She said she was quite worried about the amount in being sick, and how rapidly ive lost weight- well over ha;f a stone in a week and a half. So i have to go and get repeat blood tests on monday. She said that i needed to be helped from both sides-the PTSD angle, and with the ED, but at the same time, so I didnt end up replacing the ED with more severe self harm.

We talked a bit about treatment options-and thank christ she said she didnt want me to go to group again! So my options are-a course of individual CBT for approx 20 weeks, or a more pschodynamic approach, for around 40 weeks. we decided that CBT would be more helpful of the 2, because i like structure. Th other option-which she was quite keen on, was the day unit option-9-4pm daily. You have your meals there (excep dinner which they help you plan), and therpy/OT etc throughout the day. This was suggested as she felt i might need more support to prevent self harm replacing the ED than 1 hour a week would provide. The avaerage length of treatment is around 6 months, and would also provide a lot of dietic support. The major issue i have with that, is obviously uni. But i also acknowledge that it would be a really safe and supportive option. Except there is a bitch of a waiting list for both of these options.

I'm going to see her again next week to talk it through , and decide which option I want to go with, so I can get on the list. In the meantime, either way she's quite keen for me to see one of the ED specialist nurses fairly regulary so i have a contact, and they can moniter weight and bloods. They are going to discuss the options at the team meeting before i see her next week, in case anyone else has any other ideas.

I think i finally got somewhere.