dont think thats quite what he meant...(weight talk)

I have managed to lose half a stone since last wednesday. its now monday. oops.

Last wed's session with Grandpa psyc did not go well. Turn up, go into his office, and he's got the scales out. Some warning would have been nice-he NEVER weighs me and wondered why i had a completefreak out. I dont even weigh me, cos it leads to bad times. I guess i should have taken a blind weight, but freakout turns into burning sickening curiosity. Obviously, I didnt like the number. He also had a clinical psychologist-who i had not met before sitting in on the session, asking me endless weight related questions. I'm not stupid-I know that i technically class as overweight. I also know that recovering from bulimia-and heck even being bulimic makes you likely to gain weight. but it doesnt mean that the logical side of my brain wins this one. So telling me just how overweight I was probably wasnt the best move. Thanks for the tact and all.

I dont know why I felt i so desperately needed to lose weight. I mean, I always want to anyway, but this time it seemed to be fuelled by how pissed off i was at being told multiple times in many ways that i was overweight, and as a result didnt meet current criteria for ED therapy. Even though the bloods they made me get done showed how fucked up my chemistry and blood counts are. How does this sytem even work? I have to practically kill myself losing weight to get help to put it back on? even my screwy brain doesnt see the logic.

Its not really about the food. Its about the relief i get from being making myself sick.wjich is the same feeling i get if i self harm, although in a slightly different way.

what am i supposed to do now?