i wish i was someone else

So, after this post i'm not really feeling it.

It's made me kind of lose sense of who I am-not that I had a lot of that anyway, but they dont feerl like part of me anymore, they feel like this thing, that someone can put in a box and label BPD, not Vics. And it really gets to me because I dont think thats its the right diagnosis, but there is no way of conveying that to anyone without seeming like it IS.ARG. I got some books out of the library at uni, V useful having medical school library at disposal. And they all say that biggest mistake in metal health is labelling people BPD when they have PTSD, because the trauma is then left untreated, and they get worse, making them appear more borderline, when actually they are just traumatised and exhibiting symptoms of this in a variety of ways, eg eating disorders.

I cant take this bullshit anymore. I dont feel well-cos im not well. But apparantly having the insight to understand that im not well means that i get this cop out diagnosis-and clearly is nothin to do with the fact that i watched it all with my mother, so therefore understand where it might be coming from.oh and the fact that i can read.ARG. What am i supposed to do? I want help with my Ed, actually more than anything i think i need medical help with it, because my fluid balanace is prob fairly dire right now because i've been sick a lot over the last few days, washouts and all. And ive puked up what feels like a good glass full of blood. But hey, last time i tried telling a doc about that they thought i was beig hypochondriacal (is that a word?) beacsue of the BPD thing, so actually, why bother.

Yesterday was shit. I had the most compelling urge to chuck myself onto the tube track. I loitered on the platform for about an hour beofremy brain kicked in and started to work again. And it freaked the fuck out of me because i have always been so sure that if i did chose to die, then i would do nothing that would involve another person-train driver etc etc. I dont know whats going wrong with my head. I swing from feeling massively suicidal to okish, and back again. It;s not suicidal in the sense ive felt it before though-its just alll this pent up frustration that nothing is going to change, i thought someone finally got me, and was goingto help and now i find myself with the same old thing again. And the fact that she specifically told me at the first appt that she didnt think i had BPD makes it seem like even more of a massive pile of shit.

I had a really nasty flashback earlier today. it was v difficult to come out of, i felt completely stuck in it, even after it had finished, the thoughts just wouldnt get out of my head.

on top of all this fabulousness one of the people in my flat is being a massive dick and still cannot understand that i do not want him using my stuff to cook with. for the last few days his new thing has been chucking any washing up i have on the side in to a sink full of hios dirty water, normally with bits if meaty food in it. This is because he hates people not doin washing up the second after they have eaten. Actually, in fairness-im kinda with him on that, cos i get a bit ocd like. But i cvannot stand being in the kitchen, or people seeing the evidence of my eating. therefore, i do all food aking and washing up when nooone else is there. we had a flat meeting recently wher i explained thsi to people-which was fairly hideous-and now i just feel like im out and out being bullied.

enough people please.