I went food shopping today
I havent actually bought anything i can eat
this could be a problem
see, I make a rubbish student, actually. Because I can't deal very well with sharing kitchens and food cupboards and people seeing what i'm eating'. So what I end up doing is buying tons of what i view to be super healthy food, and loads of fruit and veg(which i wont get through before it goes off), and nothing that i feel that i can actually eat. In case-shock horror-someone notices i ate something that had more than 5 calories in it. Which would tip me right over th edge, and off the planet into Ed-ness again/even more. But if i were to keep my food in my room, everyone would think I was being weird. And i cant share a food cupboard. Im not being selfish-i'd lend someone my fav motel dress, anything else-but i CANT share food space. Beacuse if it were with my things, it would make me think i should be eating that. Or if i binged, i might eat their food. there are lots of reasons, but basically im feeling a bit fragile right now.
I'm trying sooo hard to be normal. I got up and had breakfast this morning (which im pretty proud of) and managed to sit in the kitchen and eat it and not runaway when the hall warden (only other person in my flat so far) came in and started making a massive hangover fry-up. and asked what i did last night, to which i replied-went to sainsburys, got lost, went to bed. she on the other hand went to a party, and had an awsome time. But its all the little things that are making this feel like its something i cant do. wtf am i doing here anyway.i dont fit in, i stand out like a sore thumb, cos everyone looks so london-cool, and unbothered by life.
I just want to get into bed. i'm so tired.I havnt slept properly for ages now, and, well, I just want to get into my nest and have a massive cry.i want to call the home treatment team and talk it through with them , but i cant. Becasue i know they would talk with me for the next week or so, before pointing out im in the wrong county for their help, but my freaking phone doesnt get signal anyway in halls. I want to call the guy from EDS and talk with him about it all. Fuck, i'd even go with a samaritan right now.
And all this because i dont know what I can eat.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
1 comment:
You can always call me and Ill call you right back.
Angel
I can relate totally to how you felt. When I was at LMU and Aberdeen I was actively eating disordered, self harming, for most of LMU I was having drink problems as well as being a complete fruit loop with the ptsd, ocd and bipolar thing. I know its hard baby, feeling like you dont fit in. But the past cannt be change nor can the impact of experience - only the present, this moment and perhaps the next (at most like a day). Thats all.
I used to have 'fake food' i.e. uber cheap packets of 9p noodles and baked beans etc. these lived in 'my cupboard' so people saw I had student normal food and so if i did binge it wuldnt be completely catastrophic if mostly beans and plum tomatoes!
As I was trying to recover I would have in the freezer frozen fruit and veg - just as good for you but cheaper and last longer. Oh and veggie sausages and weetabix. The rest I had day to day food in my room. I shopped at the most three days at a time and have it in my room - bananas, bagels, matzas - in the fridge philadelphia type stuff which Id get from the kitchen under the pretense of getting a drink and sneak it into my room then take it back after. I would also cook lots of pasta, mix with sauce an dput in pots to fridge or freeze and eat in my room as and when.
Is this ideal? no
but if it means you are eating
if it means you feel safer with it
then thats all that matters
in time you can challenge yourself to face your fears but you have enough on right now.
Im proud of you angel xxx
Post a Comment