general upset-ness

I dont really understand my bodies water balance right now. see, I lose about 8 litres a day through my catheter (im not kidding.ask anyone who has spent a day with me how often i have to empty the poxy thing.and thats when its not leaking allover my feet). And i've probably lost another few litres through how much i have cried today. And i've drunk about 2 litres. oh the mystery of my body.

Anyway, now ive nicely avoided talking about what i was crying about (its a skill, y'know) I shall wrote about other things.  I'll write about how I saw the guy from the ED servicethis morning, and how much that helped. And How all this shit came pouring out if me, stuff i've never told anyone before and then it was all there al laid out in front of me.and him. and i have no idea which little hole it came out of, but i've never hated myself quite as much as i did right then. Because i told him how much i hated my mum. and all the reasons why. all the things i never thought i really knew.

your not supoosed to hate your parents.

and i'll write about how the disability coordinator at the university sent me another snotty email about how i clearly havnt thought abot university at all, because i didnt have the forsight to stash away a ridiculous sum of money for my halls deposit. dear my disability coordinator-i have been living on a approx average of about £5 week for the last year, which doesnt really leave much room for savings, although i do aplogise for having the audacity to think that the university might help me. And i'm so sorry that I was upset when i was talking with you. but, being disability coordinator, you'd obviously know that one of the defining factors of an eating disorder is a lack of self esteem, and self worth. And im sorry if im ruining your statistics by being the resident nutter at the school, but i actally thought it was your job to try and support me, and not make me feel like im stupid to think i could manage this course.

and i'll write about how scared i am about going to london on thursday for my final OH checks, given how delightful recent correspondance with the  university has been.

And i'll write about how desperately i want to cut myself to pieces right now, and about how the fact that im not-because i will fail my OH chech mustmean i have massive commitment to this course.

and i might even write about how alone i feel

about the nightmares ive been having

and i might just about mention that i feel like everyone hates me, because, well im such a pleasnt ball of fun to be around right now.

and maybe i could write about how desperate i feel for someone to be here, and to not need anything from me. tojust be here for me. to just hug me and tell me its ok.

and how much i hate this fucking bag of piss strapped to my leg.

but i wont write about how much i miss my mum.and how confused i feel. i hate her. i love her. but i really, REALLY wish she were hear. thats all really.

i cant talk about that.ever.