aka how a series of random events have made me feel hideous and like i should not be here.
I went to see a University counseller today out of desperation. I needed someone to get the way i was feeling, s i could validate it, almost. But we didnt gel, and to be honest, it made me feel worse. Cos now i realise i have to start with the explaining all over again. which is triggering in itself.
I braved out the common room at halls today, which was full of bitchy girls bitching.they ignored me for half an hour-even when i said hello!-then askedme what course i was on, and kind of looked at me weirdl.and my immeadiate tought process goes-omg they think you too fat and unfot to be a physio.
I cant eat. It just doesnt feel like an option.restrict restrict restrict. The stupid thing is -i know it makes it worse. i KNOW that. But i cant break it. I just dont want people to see me eat. I dont want to have to accept i need to eat-i dont, which i suppose is the issue. it feels like my dirty ittle secret-omg vic EATS!. but its morevthan that, i could never explain, not really.
I feel inadequate and like a freak. And i keep trying to talk to people and everyone just looks right through me, cos they all cliquey wth the people in their flats/on their courses.
I fail bigstyle
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
4 comments:
"be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the univers no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." ~Max Ehrman
I have to repeat this quote to myself every day because I always feel out of place and like I don't belong anywhere.
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. Don't give up on yourself, I'm sure you will meet a friend soon. You are a wonderful, caring, fun person with a great sense of humor and your friends are truly lucky to know you. Be patient with yourself, things have a way of falling into place. I'm sending lots and lots of love your way <3
*hugs and more hugs*
Nicole
You know the best way to handle bitchy girls? Be nice to them. Confuses the hell out of them, it's very funny.
Remember, you've only been there a short amount of time, things should settle, and you will find your crowd.
xxxx
ps. You totally don't fail.
I know exactly how you feel about the food thing. I really can't eat in front of other people at all--it's the same thing--I'm ashamed that people will know I eat. Which makes no sense because of course I eat food. Everyone eats food. But there it is. And it's so, so hard to get past it. You have your own room, right? So I think really you should just eat in your room for now. That's what I did at school because I couldn't eat in public and even now, I always eat my lunch in my office or eat at home. That way at least you are eating and you don't have to worry about other people and the stress of it. And also I know you wrote a while back about keeping food in the kitchen and how hard this was. I would just keep everything you can in your room--do you have a refrigerator? Maybe people might think it's weird, but honestly I doubt anyone will know. Again, that's what I did all through school.
email me. xoxoxo
beep.
Hello kitten, I'm sorry about the girls. I will admit I am intimidated by groups of girls...particularly ones younger than me.
Nicole is right though - you'll meet with and click with people soon. Just give it time. And don't let them deflate you. I much prefer you over them.
Just remember how much you fought to be here. Don't give up the fight yet. You can do this. And you will. I know this because I am in with the Oracle, and it told me so ;)
Please be kind to you. You are valid.
much love
xxx
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