So when am i allowed to not be able to cope? oh, i know, never.

I dont really like myself much right now. sorry, I know i should be all positive and stuff-and yes i also know that a lot of people would absolutely have loved to have had the admission to the day unit i just had (and belive me, i know what waiting for help is like), BUT-

i have never felt (been) so fat or hideous and icky and messed up in my head before. I get the ok from occupational health to go back to uni (pending a meeting with my tutor) and I immeadiately feel like everything is caving in on me. Looking at all the stuff i need to do, when all i want is to get in to my bed-nest and pull the covers up right over my head and cry and cry and cry. Im sik of bitchy people bringing me down, im sick of everything, and im sick of myself. I want to be looked after and for someone to do things for me for once, instead of having to deal with all my own stuff, then everyone elses on top. when are people going to get that i just cant do it. I cant be there for them when i have noone for me. i thought it was supposed to work both ways, so why is it always the same. I just want someone to help me make it ok. All the grown up stuff with student loans, needing accomodation sorted like yestereday-i just cant deal with it all. I want someone to help and tell me its ok. And i ask and i just get told that i know what i need to do, good girl, your fine, you can sort it out, you always do. when am i allowed to not be able to cope?why do i always have to pretend thats its ok cos thats what everyone else needs. and even when i say i not, sob and pour it out, noone helps, they just leave me to get on with it. well i need some help. I need somewhere to live but i have no money thanks to student loans fucking up. STILL. I already feel like i cant cope out of the unit, i already want to cut chunks out of myself. And i cant eat all that disgusting food. I make it, i dish it up, but i CANT eat that. im not supposed to, eating is a weak stupid thing to do, and i should know that by now. I accept i need to eat a bit to saty alive, yes. BUT noone could possibly need all the stuff on my meal plan, its indulgent and greedy. theres FUCKING PUDDINGS on my meal plan. I have never in my life had pudding before that time in the unit.why eat a massive meal then pat yourself on the back by eating something really fattening. I DONT GET IT. and im not being a drama queen here, i just genuinely dont understand. I just cant eat that, its moved on so fast and i cant make myself eat all that at home. I cried pretty much everyday eating it at the unit with someone encouraging me, But on my own i just cant find the willpower to get away from all the shit in my head and do it.

I cant do it. I just want someone to look after me for once.