Dear Eating Disorder- this is what we've come to

Dear Eating Disorder,

It's funny how you feel like you have always been a part of my life, and yet I dont even know what to call you. Sometimes, I think you were waiting to meet me, rather than me having to look for you. I think we were always destined to meet, you and I and that makes me really angry-I never stood a chance. You know how when you are little and your mum encourages you to be friends with people, sets up playtimes and takes you to the swings with other little girls-well thats how I feel I met you. You were the ghost of a friend in the background, waiting for me to pick you to play with. You were the friend mum wanted me to have, play with, grow with. We were introduced, you and I, and we grew up together. You stood in the background, waiting for your chance to step into the very vacant spot for my best friend. Somehow everything fitted into place, we fitted together, you and I. You made the world the right way up, you made me understand, and you made it ok. You made things seem the right shape, and you made all the bad things go away. You were everything to me, because you were always there, running one step in front of me. If I turned around you were there too. I always felt on the edge of things, like I was just watching, like I didnt, dont deserve to join in. But you were their too. Thats why its really hard to hate you, yknow. Because you were there when I needed somebody, anybody to be. You hated it when I had other friends and you would pull me back. You wanted me all to yourself and that was fine fine fine by me. I wanted you to. You showed me how to get my mum to notice me, like me. You took all the bad things away with my stepdad. You taught me how to bear it when he did what he did, and I so needed you for that. How can I hate you for that? How can I be so angry with you now. I am you know. So angry with you. I thought you were my friend. You were the only thing that ever stayed the same when everything else was just chaotic. You showed me the way when grandad died. You showed me that really, it was very very simple. To make it better all I had to do was be what my mum wanted and play by the rules. So what if I couldnt eat. At least she would like me. If she liked me, was happier, maybe she wouldnt be in hospital again, maybe we wouldnt all have to tread on shells around her trying not to tip the balance that fine line. The only thing that mattered in my house was wether mum was ok.

I really noticed you when I saw her try to die that first time. You held my hand, and told me that really, it was so easy to make this better. Control. Brilliance. Be perfect. You have to be. I will push push PUSH you to do it, you wont be alone I will be there every step of the way. You cant get away from me. But why would you want to. You helped me get rid of all the hate from inside of me, the badfeelings, bring them up and out. You came when I went to Liverpool and you were there after it happened, after he hurt me. You told me how you could make it better and I believed you. You told me to keep playing by the rules, smile say your ok and push push PUSH. Be the best.

You made it all possible because you made me not feel. Not care. You made it all feel the same-nothing. You took it all from me. You didnt want me to hurt, you were my friend so you took it all from me, rescued me from it. I needed you so much. You cared about me, but you tricked me. One day you turned on me, like you wre running at me with a knife. You saved my life over and over. And then you tried to kill me.

I thought you were my friend, but a friend wouldnt kill me.

Its like this-

I paid you to carry my feelings, although I didnt realise at the time. You carried the little things for little prices, and the big things for bigger prices. Simple. Until I couldnt afford to pay you for all the bad things, for my mum hating me, for my stepdad hurting me, for my grandad dying, for being raped for having an abortion. But you still took it all anyway, good friend that you were. My best friend. I had spent all I had, all the little amounts over all those years, my entire childhood. It added up, stacked up, and amounted to equal devestation. But you took it and then you demanded payback. 'okay, il carry abuse, but abuse is expensive. You'l have to pay with your life and live it my way, and then you wont feel any of these bad things'.

You were my best friend, but then you tried t kill me. You went from being the best thing in the world, to being the thing I hated most. You gave me stability but then you made me feel insecure. You gave me rules and structure, but then you stretched the goalposts a mile wide. You took and took and took. Its like one day you woke up and decided that nothing I did was going to be good enough for you. Well story of my life. I've woken up too. I dont want you. You told me you would make me strong and make me feel able to cope, take it all away. Well he bad things are all still there. Youve made me feel ill and weak and so so tired. Youve made me feel hopeless where you promised me worth. You change the boundaries all the time. I cant chase you anymore. Id chase you until I dies, and even then I dont think it would be enough. It wouldnt be, would it?

Give me my life back. Im serving notice on you. Vicki lives here. NO VACANCY. Sorry eating disorder.vacancy filled. Move on.

The worst thing is how you can still make me feel safe. Make everything feel the same. I think a part of me will probably always love you for how you looked after me. You were the only thing that was there for me for a while. But you made me think I didnt deserve anyone to care, that I dont deserve to be liked, supported and loved. All the time ove spent listening to you, doing what you wanted, well look at me now. I dont know what I like, and what you like, wether its the same. We are so interlinked you and I, and im so scared of pulling myself apart from you, pulling back the layers. I dont know what im like, how I turned out. I only know what you want me to be. Dont think im not grateful that you were there. I just wish id seen sooner that I didnt need you, that I could have done it a different way.

You used to be my best friend, my life.

I dont want you anymore. I want you to leave me alone and not look back. Im so mad at you. Its gone too far. I hate you. You make me feel so inferior so worthless and ashamed of myself. You make me want to hideaway, be in the shadows not worthy of anyones time. You make me feel so stupid. So tired and useless.

I HATE YOU. Do you understand?

I dont know how to end this. Im not sure what the appropriate word is. Im not 'yours', you dont have my 'best wishes' and you are not sincere. So il just put me. As thats how I would like it to be from now on. Maybe being me is the strongest thing I could ever do.

Vicki