that bitch called bulimia

i have to say, on reflection, that this really is A TOTAL FREAKING BITCH OF AN ILLNESS.

i cant be doing with going into how much it irritates me that people think this is lifestyle choice, and all that rubbish. all i can say, is if you think that, give it  months when you have crap hair, shit skin and feel like death, and then decide if its still your best friend. ugh.

so it hit me today, that i have been ill for about 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS.

do the math, and thats pretty much half my life.

and its still holding me tight.

ok, so if your thinking you cant want to better THAT much, to have had it for THAT long, then maybe you have a point. I became ill at age 12, and dangerously caught up in the cycle by age 15. i wouldnt have admitted to anyone-or even realised it myself that i was ill until i was around 23. so thats about 5 years of trying to recover, trying to get support, and talk myself in to carrying on with life. In those 5 years a lot of stuff has happened to push me more and more into the illness. its changed its shape now though, now i know its there. its different. its like putting up a fight, rather than finding an ally these days. and still it always manages to drag me back. sometimes i wonder if it really IS an illness-or if it just is this programmed part of me. if thats the case, my mum should have kept the reciept for me, cos she bought faulty goods.ooops.

the math is depressing, but necessary. I Guess we all need a reality check from time to time.

all the same though. today, im so tired it makes me cry-well everything does. my throat hurts, i feel like ive done the marathon, rather than walk 10 minutes down the road. my tummy hurts more than words, my eyes are blurry and i cant concentrate for more than 3 minutes at a time. i have a dirty headache, split nails and dire skin. my hair has completely blocked up my shower, and im a really fetching shade of deathly pale. and this is a normal day. but oh, i lost a kilo, so clearly its worth it, right....

im kidding clearly. well, sadly not about the side effects, but about the it being worth it. even i know its not, and that pretty soon, i will have no life left. which is debatebly a good thing and not what im trying to get at here.

actually i dont know where this is going, except that im sick of this, im sick of me and im sick of not being able to make myself better.