72 hour section, and other fun things

The trouble with finally having a therapist that i trust and feel comfortable talking with, is that I get myself in trouble by saying things that maybe i shouldnt. or should. the jurys out on that one, i guess, but being honest about how bad i feel has got me in a whole heap of not-goodness.

So, on monday I went for my normal session with her, and was just feeling awful, stressed and just a mess basically. I have to leave uni halls on friday, but after i paid all my halls rent, i have like zero money left, and cant afford a deposit or rent in advance for a new place. and because im taking next year out, im not going to get any more student funding at the moment, which, so not good.  and my care coordinator still hasnt sorted out anywhere for me to stay, and its just a massive mess. so i was just in a total state, and pretty  suicidal to be honest. cos its just the same shit all the time, and one thing after another. and we all know how i deal with that. And i meant it, and im not really sure how much i still do. I still feel very wobbly, and like i dont know what to do for the best, and a lot of the time, i do think i would be better off dead. and i think the longer i have been ill, the worse it gets. each tim i hit a rough patch, and feel lower, the harder it is to get back where i was. and im so tired of it, and worrying about everything, it just gets way too much. Anyhow i think i worried the crap out of her, cos she asked if i would stay and be assessed by a doc-which i agreed to. but by this time it was 5, so we had to wait for the duty doc. after a never end stream of phone calls, my poor therapist, who was stuck waiting with me, finally managed to get a doc over at 9.30pm. considering my appointment was at 4pm, this wasnt much fun. mostly cos by this time i was feeling bloody awful for ruining her eveing and her having to wait-cos shes so nice, and the nicer she was about it, the worse i felt.

so the doc finally assessed me after talking with my therapist, at 10.30pm. i was waiting on the ED inpatient ward, which is in the same building as the day unit and where i go for outpatient appts with her.  it was pretty weird being there-we first got there when at the ward dinner time, which was pretty hectic. I  gradually felt a bit better, waiting all that time, it kind of all seeped out of me a bit. we talked lots in a casual, jokey kind of way, and i guess i managed to admit a lot of stuff that i wouldnt have normally been able to. anyway, the doc told er that i wasnt sectionable (remember this bit of info for later) and that he thought i should stay, but couldnt make me, and was just going to talk to home treatment, to discuss options. So she tells me this, and i feel better-cos it was the hottest day of the year so far (like really), and i was really anxious to at least pop back home to check charlie, my guinea pig, had enough water, and feed him, and grab a change of clothes and wash stuff if i was gonna stay in. admissions make me totally ocd about washing-just feel horrible sleeping in beds others have been in, showers etc, and wards are never the cleanest of places, and it makes me feel so nasty. and i only live 10 mins away from the hosp, so she, and a social worker she talked with rekoned it was totally reasonable.

at midnight the doc finally came back, asked if i would stay, i said no, cos of sorting charlie out, but would be willing to come back if they let me pop home-after all id been left with the idea that i was free to go if i wished, not being sectionable and all. so he goes off again. and comes back with 2 other senior nurses and puts a bloody 72 hour holding section on me, and had security drag me to a high security ward. WTF!!!!!i said id agree to stay the night!! by the time i got to the ward it was 1.30am, and almost 3 before they finally let me go to bed. on constant observation, so even had to pee and shower with the door open, and couldnt pull up bed covers higher than my hips, and leave lights on so they could see me. wtf is that about!!but they give me a wash kit with a disposable razor (again!!this has happened to me before, and baffles me, since they confiscate the most bizarre things off you, but give you blades. um ok.) i was sooo upset about charlie and really worried-he hadnt been so well in the heat, and was really scared he would have finished his water bottle, and didnt even know why id been sectioned-which is now gonna coause me issues with uni, cos im a healthcare student, so really hacked off. but be proud cos i kept my cool until 8.30 the next morning when i exploded with anger cos i doc couldnt reassess me until the next day-cos id been dragged off to a ward that wasnt covered by my team, i had to wait for a transfer to be assessed by someone who knew me. anyway i think they saw my point-that i was extremly pissed that id been told i could go home, then got sectioned, and had been in a boiling hot waiting room from 5pm til 2am without being offered anything to eat (oh the irony-and i was on an ED ward at that point!!), hadnt had my rights read to me, per policy, and was being forced to neglect the welfare of my pet. Anyhow, saying the words 'give me your complaint procedure and the name of your trust exec NOW' seemed to do the trick, and i was transfered to a much nicer, not insanely scary ward, and re assessed, and taken off constant obs. the section got revoked-but will still show on my record, so i am appealing it, because if school, and because it was so unfair,the doc that did it spoke to me for a total of 5 mins!!. They wanted me to stay informally on the ward, but not keen-i just wanted to check charlie, and have a shower, and eventually they ageed to keep me on the patient list, but grant me leave from the ward-so i can go back to the ward if i need, or stay at halls. I wanted to not be there also cos i need to be around to sort the housing issue out-to go to the council, fill in forms etc. so i had to agree to home treatment visits-which actually helped a bit today, though im considering going back to the ward. its weird cos i hate being there-but its a security thing. an like a mini break from dealing with myself and my weirdness-its taken away from me, someone else helps decide things-but theres a fine line, cos i suddenly end up hating that, people being in charge of what i do, and it makes me soo angry and uneasy and insecure. but in a weird way i feel comforted. i know hospital worls best for me very short term-im talking like 2 nights absolute max, but i also dont like feeling like i need other people. i guess its the little things. i felt really touvhed on monday night, when i eventually started to drift off at about 5.30 am and a nurse who must have trusted me a little, came and pulled the sheet up over my arms cos i most have looked cold. or maybe she was just the mother type, co she stroked my head a few times and when i cried just cuddled me and said 'oh baby girl its ok' over and over.

I do now feel awful about going back to see H, my therapist. shes lovely, and thats the problem. I caused a total nightmare for her, and she was so genuinely nice the whole time, and stayed far longer than she needed too-she stayed when the doc first spoke with me, cos she knows im liable to be super anxious and not say anything with people i dont know, and checked wth me so many times that i was ok with her going. I was upset when she went off to talk with doc cos i thought i couldnt go see charlie (turns out i couldnt) but she sat with me and tried to help me calm down, and told me that hed said i could go, that they couldnt keep me. and its not her fault it all took so long and turned out how i did-i totally dont think that at all. i feel bad for wasting her time, and like i just caused a load of trouble, when im not worth that amount of trouble.loads of times i tried to backtrack and say i was fine to go home, but she wouldnt have any of it-i kept apologising to her the whole time, so she knew i felt awful about it. while we were waiting i told her a list of all the things that were worrying me-no money/food, that i needed to get back for charlie, that i thought she hated me now, about being scared about the day unit-mostly cos i wouldnt be seeing her anymore, and didnt want to start with a new person., and all kinds of things. all just kinda spilt out. and she just wrote a list of it all, told me to calm down and now she knew, she could help.said she would talk with my cpn, and sort some emergency cash out, and would try her hardest to get the cmht to realise the proper urgency of the housing situation-cos they dont seem to get the fact that i dont have a home to go back to for the summer. and she tried to sort it so i could pop home quickly. so really-it was a horrid situaltion but im glad it was with H, cos i feel comfortable with her. and it was ok that she was seeing me falling apart. and its hard to admit, but i liked that she cared enough to get me assessed, convinced me to stay and wait it out, and was just NICE. its always nice to think someone cares, and like-ok, i know she was covering her arse cos she didnt want to get sued if i went home and topped myself, but she did a lot more than she could have done. I was soo tired waitng for the doc to come, ans she knew i just wanted to go, and i kinda like the fact she didnt believe my 'im ok' bullshit.  but im so ashamed that it came to that.

She called me when i got home on tues, after my leave had been agreed and said she was worried i wouldnt come back to sessions cos i blamed her for being sectioned-which i totally dont. Im worried about going back cos i was a major pain in the ass! so we talked it out, and now i feel like i can go back and see her, which is good, cos i get a lot from the sessions. This is just a massive nightmare thing. I have to go back to the ward on monday, for ward round, but im thinking i might go back for the weekend. i find it hard knowing what to do, because a lot of me wants to stay home so i can hurt myself.  but there must be a bit of me that wants that kind of security. dunno.

so, being sectioned is totally a good way to spend your monday night! (uh, you get the sarcasm, right??)