the age old problem

i actually cannot stop bloody eating. im constantly thinking about the next thing. i think it must be a stress reaction or something, cos while i always purge after i eat-i rarely normally binge, i normally just end up throwing up 'normal' meals, if that makes sense. and its not denial-i really dont binge that much anymore-i used to, and now its more like i just try and purge anything i eat. so i get stuck trying to eat the same meal, cos i feel bad for being sick, and thus the cycle is set up. so i guess its kind of a binge behaviour, but its not about large quantities, normally. but the last 3 days or so-bloody hell. all i do is eat anything i can find, then ourge, then while im doing that im thinking what i can eat next. its mental. i think its slowing off  a bit now-im really trying to fight it, but its so draining. and i dont know where its come from. I am super wound up at the moment about my housing problems, but that normally comes out as restriction, or worse self harm. im not saying that its a good thing, that i react in those ways-just thats what my 'programmed' reactions to stress tend to be, until i recognise it and fight it. but its so exhausting, and makes me feel so stupid. why cant i just be normal. yeh yeh i know noone is normal, but you know where im coming from.

im looking forward to monday, cos i see my psychologist on mondays, and the sessions really help me. they dont take away the rubbish, but i tend to feel a little bit saner for letting some of it out, and having a good ol rant, and it all seems to have more context, which helps. like things tend to end up with the right proportion of feelings after seeing her.rather than me being mad for something thats really nothing, i kind of tend to realise what its really about, and things get a bit more evenly distributed. although i have huge issues believing her when she tries to tell me its not all my fault for stuff thats happened. i dont like thinking it could be any other way-it just doesnt sit comfortably. im the crap one, im the one that mad shit decisions and screwed everything up.so its my fault, liverpool, my mum, everything.