Getting back to normality

I've been at work for almost a month now. It's been so draining and so hard working full time. I like the feeling it gives me- of being normal, finally.  Of doing what other people manage. It gives me a kick. For so long there have been people and professionals telling me that I'd never manage to work, some even said I should live in supported housing. Sod that. So I'm immensely enjoying proving them wrong- not that they ever realised how deep there words cut me. 

I'm proud of myself, a little. I finished my degree and have a professional qualification and a job. I found my job fairly easily after graduation- I spent the summer working part time doing some private work and 2 weeks after starting to look for an nhs job I had one. Sorted. So I can't be that crap. 

But it bangs away in my head- im waiting until I mess it all up. It's like an unexploded bomb biding it's time. I guess I can't believe that I'm allowed to have a happy ending. 

I had to phone in sick this morning- I hated hated hated doing it. I broke my back in the new year, falling from a horse. I fractured my spine- luckily,luckily no nerve damage but the pain was awful. I finally managed to get back to work but it's been really hard the last few days- it's gone Into spasm. I feel so useless for having to have time off so soon from starting. 

Normality...I was on the edge of a relapse ...I was going to fall big time. Ive managed to pull it back and I've not been sick for 2 weeks. I want to restrict very badly but I want to be able to work more. That's got to win. Having a life has got to win. I'm so excited- I'm moving really soon into a beautiful flat. I have a gorgeous amazing horse. I've got a job that pays well. I can connect better with my friends because I'm not distracted and disconnected the whole time. 

So gotta just keep plodding on.