not well

i feel really ill right now. I guess its just a pile up of lovely ED side effects-but my throat is soo sore i could cry (scrap that, im crying anyway), i think ive got a new tear in my stomach lining (yum) cos its very sore and theres been quite a lot of blood when ive purged-i hate that word, but i cant think of an alternative that equally doesnt make me cringe. I'm really allergic to summer too-i get horrible hayfever, my eyes are a swollen mess from it, and add to the fact that ive been crying pretty much continuously for days doesnt help. my whole head feels blocked up with gunk (pleasant image, hey) and my ears hurt. i dont know why my ears had to start hurting on top of everything else, but great, thanks dumbass body for that. i think it might be cos my wisdom teeth are nearly through, maybe its a weird pressure type thing.but anyway, they really hurt, im so irritatable and fed up right now.

i swear i just feel so beyond pissed off with everything right now.i just fail to see why i keep pulling myself out of these funks when they just keep getting worse each time. ive had it. and im totally sick of people telling me that it will get better, and that theres nothing bad enough to warrant wanting to die. Cos you dont really KNOW. you cant judge how much stress another person can tolerate, and i think ive had over and above the share i think its reasonable to deal with. ad now it has got to the unbearable point, and i dont want to bear it any longer.

yes i do think not having someplace that i feel safe to live is enough to cause me to fall over the edge. its something i need, having lacked it for years and years, and i cant go through all that again. so it is reason enough to make me feel that way-i would rather be dead than homeless, or be in a skanky hostel full of smackheads. i fucking hate druggies. yeh, ok, il make exceptions for people that have had shitty times, but fuck all sympathy for people who have flashbacks as results of drug use-i deal with that daily, pretty much-or more acuratly, nightly. and its horrific-and why would you do that to yourself?! so judge me all you want on that, but thats how i feel.