I'm not quite sure how or why ive stopped caring, but i have. i dont care if i fuck uni up, i dont care if i fail exams, i dont care about anything really. except how hideously fat i am, but hey, thats nothing new. I dont know whats happened to me. There used to be fight, and i used to feel determined to do the right thing, to get on in life, to be something.
And now, i really dont give a shite about anything. someone very clever, whos name i cant remember, said 'if it werent for suicide, we'd all be dead by now'. oh how right they are. I keep getting told in therpay to call the crisis line if i feel like self harming, that i cant control it, or feel like jumping out of my window. which is so not going to happen, and not just because being patronised is exactly what you dint need when you call. The other day they asked me if i had pms!!FML! No.im not gonna call cos i dont actually CARE what happens.
on another cheerful note, i am so broken right now! my skin is super sore, and feels like its shrunk-everytime i move, it cracks somewhere (damn eczema, i look so grim right now), ive buggered up my medial collateral ligament in my knee (see, fizzio school taught me something!) and i think my stomach lining has dissolved! my im a picture of good health :p
i might wait until i feel a bit more cheerful before i post again!
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
I'm very sorry that you are feeling so orrible right now. I hope things get better soon. Don't give up! Sending {{{HUGS}}}
This is probably of no use whatsoever,but I was reading 'Moominland Midwinter' last night, and I liked this bit:
" 'I see,' Moomintroll said and seated himself in the snow.
'No, you don't,' replied Too-ticky genially and rose up to show her red and white sweater. 'Because the refrain is about the things one can't understand. I'm thinking about the aurora borealis. You can't tell if it really does exist or if it just looks like existing. All things are so very uncertain, and that's exactly what makes me feel reassured.'"
Uncertainty and indecisiveness are fairly closely related (in my head, at least), and maybe sometimes indecisiveness is a way of letting us find the right thing? That all the things you can't decide are the 'right fit' will finally lead you to the right one?
I could, of course, be talking bollocks. Maybe try finding one thing that appeals - a colour or word or feeling or habit - and starting from there? You might not keep that colour or word, but sometimes we just need an initial point of reference.
As for the blue and black: you are not weird. These small things are important :) But perhaps the fact that you can't make a definite choice is a signal that (as annoying as this solution may be) there is room for both of them? That some days or things may require black, and others blue? Like Snorks: they change colour depending upon mood. Snorkmaiden was pink, then yellow, or violet in 'Comet in Moominland'.
Perhaps you are a snork? ;)
This is probably of no use whatsoever. I shall think about it some more :)
Please take care of you. Lots of love
xxxxx
' Alice fell through the looking glass and found her way back...and so will you'.
Been on my mind Vicks, thinking of you.
xxx
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