*trigger warning SI*

I'm having really bad Si urges tonight. I Haven't cut for almost 2 years now, but tonight i feel totally consumed by it. I just want that old feeling of relief back. I cant get my stress level down and i feel so wound up and tense and just full...of i dont know what.

I want to cut so bad. I think i miss the routine of it. Cut/get stitched up/sleep it off. It was really reassuring. My self harm was at its worse when i was living in Cornwall, before I came to Uni in London, and beside from the release of the cutting - 'the man that hurts so bad i feel monged out' kind of feeling, the predictable-ness of it was probably what helped. I'm a person that likes certainty. I also like to know that I can feel blocks of time-my depression gets a LOT worse when i have a lot of unstructured time, and i got stuck in a pattern of cutting for hours at a time, in a very planned way-put a familiar film on, glass of wine maybe, and then just spend hours making the same cut worse and worse, until i couldnt put off going to A&E anymore. The long wait in A&E filled time, the immense throbbing pain from the wound blocked how bad i was feeling out, and the doctors/nurses there knew me well enough to know what was wrong and that i was dealing the best i could-because they knew my background-i was gradually able to tell them how i felt.

I guess i feel really loss again, and SI feels like something familiar. I have to keep telling myself that it would be really different if i started again-the consequences would be a whole lot worse-getting pulled out of my degree course, losing my therapy (not self injuring is in my 'therapy contract') and just the fact that london services are very different-and my local A&E staff have zero understanding of SI and treat it as a massive 'time waste'. Even so, i bought blades for the first time in a long while yesterday. I just out them in the bathroom cabinet, but i feel better knowing they are there. I guess i need to get rid, but feels so hard.

I think its part of the huge nostalgia stage i am going through at the moment. I miss a lot of things from a few years back, and recently ive really been struggling with my best friends being so far away when we used to live pretty close a few years back. I loved being down the road from my best friend.

I feel kind of aimless right now. Its nearly christmas-which i find hard, but i feel so low that just nothing matters anymore. I don't care about anything really anymore-other than my friends still liking me (a constant stress) and life just feels so pointless.

i just feel really crappy. and hungry. but eating is so scary right now. My ED is calling the shots right now, and i guess i just wish it would kill me and put me out of my misery now, because its just so hard.

im so tired with it all. I hate sounding so pathetic.