Taking stock

So, here I am, about 5ish years after starting this blog! I'm now a qualified physiotherapist, and studying a post graduate programme in play therapy. 

Since starting this blog, and after moving to London, I very nearly succeeded in killing myself via self harm (cutting femoral artery. The irony Is that I wasn't even trying to do myself damage at the time. It's frightening g to think back on, but the reason I cut that day was because I was bored out of my nut, felt lonely in my new Uni room, and needed to "feel something". Wake up call, much. Well sort of- but mu h later when I was able to eat and them think ,ore clearly). I have had 2 inpatient stays for ED treatment, and 3 day unit admissions- ow of which being for over a year. I now have outpatient therapy, and occasional dietetic input. 

My very very best friend said to be a few weeks back " that I seem much more stable and same these days". I can't remember exactly what see said, but the essence of it was that I wasn't as mad as I used to be! 

Even on my bad days, I'm. Nothing like how I used to be. My bad days now end in me going to bed early, or staying home, or yes, sometimes making myself sick. But they don't end in A&E admissions and drips and stitches and threatened sections. Maybe that's what recovery will be for me - maybe that's it for now- and heck, maybe even in another 5 years, perhaps the "being sick" won't still be on the list. I guess it's about assessing quality of life, and how much of a hold the ED has. In truth, I think I have come to accept, that for a lot of reasons, I will probably always struggle with food. That's not to say that I'm not better, or not pro recovery - I think it's just a realistic approach to how I manage in the future. If I recognise that it is there, waiting  for me to succumb, I can be more mindful of managing it, sticking my fingers up at it. 5 years ago a CMHT worker god me that I should quit Uni and never live alone. 

I have a very good degree, and I live by myself (happily- I like to live alone. It's a reflection of my past, but also because it makes me seek adventures with people- if I live with others, I often retreat to my room and hide. This is far healthier for me). I'm studying g a post grad course which may lead to funding for a masters. I have a job I love. I have friends, me need to keep working on finding people that are right for me. I have a best best friend who has been there win me the whole way through, who has also achieved so much. Shiz, I will always live you. And I have N amazing horsey sidekick!

Yes, I still fight my ED every day. But who knows  where another 5 years will get me. There's no time limit on getting better. It frustrated me more than anything to learn that I am a "slowly slowly type". My changes have happened over years, rather than months. 

You can still live- really live, not in limbo- but live, breathe and fight, whilst moving forwards in recovery. It's a process, not a trophy which took me years to realise. 

So - am I completely better- no. But that's ok, because one day I will be. Ad in the meantime I am living, not just existing. I have my bad days, when the world falls apart, and the ED slams me, but I also have more and more amazing days- and hell, I have normal days! Like, when you realise life doesn't have to be Disney land everyday to be ok! 

So - this is for the people that commented that I'm pro. And that I'm not trying. And that I do t want to be well. Yes I deleted your comments. Heck I take criticism, and I thought hard before I deleted our words. But I know how hard I have worked to get here, and I don't need that negativity in my life. 

But lastly, and mostly- blog post Is for me, but it's also for shiz- to say I love you, thankyou and your're the  best. Half boarding homie forever! 

I'm not pro ED and never Will be. So sod off! I simply write how I feel, and a lot of the time that's about my ED- but I certainly don't want it. Anyone that has really struggled with this  horrific illness would not want to wish it on anyone. FYI you can't " decide to be anorexic or bulimic". In the sAme way you can chose to get the flu. I will NEVER post about how I make myself sick, or details of how I use behaviours and I'm furious you asked. It's not a game, it's an illness. 

Anyway. The time of this post is positive and I don't want to spoil it!