got me thinking

So, I've actually had this blog for about 4 years now, and in that time have been in a huge cycle of recovery - relapse - recovery and, that, in itself, is really bloody depressing.

The one thing I have managed to move on from - and am really pleased I have, is the cutting. Its been a really long time now - a year and a half, i think - and thats a long time for me. It makes me realise that i guess i've been hellish lucky as well, because i have had some really dicey moments with self harm, with one near fatal incident. Even when I am really struggling with the eating disorder and low mood, cutting feels very low on the 'options list' which is a huge change.

If i could just shift the heaviness of the depression, i think my eating disorder would give me a lot more space to breath. Lately ive been thinking, that maybe i am actually just majorly depressed by nature-and always will be, so should set myself some new happiness baselines. But i know there have been huge chunks of time when its not been like this. its really difficult. My main depressive symptoms are around extreme tiredness and fatigue -hypersomnia. which i have a hard time in ED terms with, because it just makes me feel really lazy. But sometimes i just end up in tears because i am soo tired.

The further I get in therapy, the more I realise I have to come, in terms of recovery from this. The one good thing now though, is that recovery feels harder to give up on.