whats 'ill enough'?

I feel like i'm at a rut in recovery right now.

I'm about a month out of a very good inpatient admission of 7 weeks, at a specialist private unit, funded by the NHS. It helped a lot, helping me to add food back in, and to break the cycle of being sick constantly after eating anything. And it made me rest and finally heal my broken ribs.

So, having come back home, and being back at uni, i just feel so worn out by it all. This has been YEARS of my life-actually most of my years full stop. Something is making me feel like I cant be better yet-that I haven't been 'ill enough' to be done with being ill yet. I think part of this is to do with having to really fight for all the admissions and treatment that i have had, and prove that i have been ill, in a way. I guess thats the difference with bulimia/EDNOS and Anorexia- you can see when someone is very ill with anorexia, but its harder to see on the surface with bulimia. I dont know-i guess i feel a bit like i haven't done with beating myself up yet. And i feel so disgusted with myself that I never got to be the real low weight i always 'wanted' to be.

I have all this proof that I've been really unwell. I've had admissions, and therapy, and been on bed rest and all sorts. but it just doesn't feel like i really have the need to be ill somehow out of my system. I guess i still feel a bit like i need it to help me through, that i'm scared to really finally let it go. Im so confused, because if you asked me if i could have anything-i would say i want to be better, and feel 'normal'. but there is this bit in my head that keeps telling me i haven't been 'ill enough' yet. I mean, is that just my ED giving it some? i don't know. I just feel really bloody confused.