Re-connecting

Means lots of things in lots of different and difficult ways.

Because you cant move forward without looking back at things, try as i might for all this time. Re -  connecting with the old is scary and new, when you starved, purged and cut away your memories of the past, of how things were.

But it also means thinking about how things could be, and taking the odd leap of faith that everything will turn out ok in the end...and even if its not what you planned for, its not the end of the world, you just need to take a deep breath and let things that will be BE.

Being ill for so long meant that i missed out on a lot of things, and its only through working to get better that i realise just how much i lost. Its not just that i missed birthdays, and nights out, and boyfriends and parties, uni and fun-i lost friends, family, ambition and interests. I lost my spark, my personality and all the things that could have made me who i could be. Being ill literally ransacked my life. I feel like im grieving for the friends that i made and lost, or didnt even get the chance to meet. I got so wrapped up in 'ill' that i couldnt see anything else, got needy, or couldnt keep up contact, or just got so self absorbed and inverted. It hurts now so bad, all the things ive lost, makes me ache and cry for it all.

Just so you know, if you ever happen to read this, or are someone i used to talk with a lot on here- I love you, and i do care. there are so many people that helped me feel connected when i needed it the most, in so many different ways. I just got shit at managing to do anything, or be there for anyone when it all really hit the fan here. but im sorry and i do care.

I want to re connect with things to put them right or lay them to rest. i guess the hardest thing is accepting that it isnt always possible.